Day 23

 Hey there, so today I am posting early because I felt like writing this very moment. Yesterday went pretty good for me but today is very weird. I have this constant feeling of disappointment which makes me feel really bad and just throws me into this unending cycle of deep thinking. It is one of the day when I feel that I don't know what I am dong with my life. Sometimes I feel everybody around me has it all figured out and doing their best and here I am doing nothing and just thinking all kind of bulshit. I am not saying that I feel jealous of anybody around me I am happy for them. It is just that I feel so bad and just not good. I feel angry and then I just want to cry and I am scared as well. I feel that I am under a lot of pressure but then life is like this only. I don't feel motivated to do anything and then I feel bad that I did nothing all day.

I started this blog so that I could be consistent at something in my life and I am trying my best to do it and I feel good writing my thoughts here. I really don't know what I am writing I am just typing whatever comes to my mind. I also feel that I am trying to seek attention by writing all this but I am not. I am just confused and god knows what is happening to me.

My health does not feels good, I don't feel like working, nothing good is coming to my mind, I have endless work piled up but I feel too scared to just start anything and it seems everything is just too hard and plus when you see everyone around you working constantly it makes you feel too small or bad like you can't do anything. I try to stay positive but it is too easy to say be positive, be happy, try doing things and actually really hard to follow. I was never like this but now I feel so bad that I just don't do things and to avoid this shitty feeling I just ignore everything. 

Ignoring works as a escape for me till all my piled up things just come and hit me on my face. I don't want to feel like this but I don't know what to do. Motivational talk, changing my lifestyle nothing works. I may sound like I am making excuses and I am just a lazy person and maybe it is true but it is so so hard sometimes. It just is and I don't make sense right now.

What am I even writing, I don't know I am too messed up and I don't know what to do and I am scared. I might become normal after sometime but I just don't feel happy like I used to and this year is going to be very hard for me I know it. I am scared of the future and presently I am totally crashed.

I am just talking senseless stuff. I know that I just wrote all rubbish in my head and I guess that is it.